So Much to Write and No Time!

Hi guys! It feels like forever since my last post and there are so many different posts I want to make, I'm just not sure what you'd prefer. Here are my planned upcoming posts, and you guys can comment which one you want to read first.

• Why do I love makeup?
• What does sex mean to me?
• Loreal Infallible Pro-Matte Review
• Bourjois Healthy Skin Serum Review
• Biore Perfect Milk Sunscreen Review
• Trolls Movie Review
• Delirium book review

Driving Meltdown

     If you haven't noticed yet, I'm a teenager and still learning some basic life skills: like driving. Driving has been quite difficult and stressful for me. See, I'm old enough to have my license but due to laziness I've had to wait an additional seven months to take the test. In my brain I thought that I'd be a pro, but in reality my driving is more likely to give you psychological damage than to get you to your destination. Two days ago my dad decided to take me on a practice drive to pick up my siblings from school. It sounded easy enough, so I hopped in the car with excitement that someone was finally letting me drive. Before we went to my sibling's school, we had to fill up on some gas. This is where I made my first mistake, panicked, and demanded that my dad should take over the wheel. Turning into the station requires a left turn and then a u-turn. It sounds easy, but was nerve racking with four cars waiting behind me and being told last minute. I ended up panicking and asking my dad which way to turn, even when I could see the gas station and knew what I should of done, cue the cars behind me honking and me demanding my dad to switch seats with me and repeating that I didn't want to drive.
      No such luck for me, my dad said he wasn't moving and that I should get back in the driving seat. Sighing, I hopped in and continued on the way to my brother's school. This is where I didn't see a left turning lane and still turned, almost hit a car in front of me, missed a left turn due to a lack of time to turn into a lane, and had turned before a motorcycle at a 4 way intersection who had the right of way and was forced to slowly trail behind me for at least five minutes. Needless to say, I was rightfully feeling like a shitty driver. I allowed the tears to stream down my face after having repressed them since the gas station. My dad could tell that I was stressed and promised to switch with me as soon as we stopped at target. This wasn't before I hit a curb while turning right and lost my mind over parking.
     There is no moral of this story, except maybe I need to calm the fuck down when driving and practice a lot more. If I actually do get my license, I'll make sure to update you all.
 

When a Friendship Officially Dies

              I’m going to preface this post with the fact that this subject is hard for me to talk about, but because I want this blog to be more than superficial crap, here it is anyways.  

            Freshman year was a real disaster for me, it was a new school with kids I’ve never met before, and with classes that I never even heard of (transferred from a charter school to a religious school). Kids mostly ignored me, and I had few people that I’d call real friends. There was one positive thing that came out of this though, I had developed a deep friendship with a girl that was so different from me. She was social, involved, and was always positive, plus she was smart. I, on the other hand, had almost no friends, and barely knew of any events in our grade. We had real conversations that could last hours, and really took the time to get to know each other. When there was a crisis in her life, I was the one she called for first. The major difference was that we had different friend groups, but the knowledge that I was her go to was enough to keep me content with that situation. Freshman year ended, and then everything changed. Over sophomore year, our friendship started to deteriorate. By January, I could have been any other girl in the grade to her.

            The thing is though, was that this hurt me a lot. It hurt to know that someone I shared so much with, could so easily forget me. This wasn’t like any other girl in the grade, she knew the real me. I could always write off the lack of friends by the fact that the others never knew me, so it had no saying on my character. Remember when I said that this girl was the opposite of me, it showed. On social media, I was constantly bombarded with her pictures with her other friends and how happy she looked. I usually saw these posts while I was alone and home for the millionth week in a row. I was in shock that she could be so happy pretending that there was never a relationship between us.

 I’m an extremely loyal person, once I decide that I like you, I will fight for you and always stand by you. I tried to fight for her, even mentioning that I felt like we were drifting, when she said that she still felt the same was about me but was busy. Maybe I shouldn’t have fought, because it had no impact.  When I tried talking to her, it was if I didn’t exist. I always knew that she seemed to lose focus on me when around her other friends, but now I lost the comfort of knowing that she trusted me with all of her secrets.

            The moment that I knew I had to admit defeat was my birthday. Freshman year, she had bombarded me with happy birthday texts and demanded that we go to lunch and see a movie together that weekend. We spent that whole day together, and laughed at the lame romance movie we saw. After, she put up a post on Instagram saying how much she cared about and loved me, filled with inside jokes. That seems so trivial, but in my school, that was the major way to declare love for a friend. Sophomore year, she sent a generic HBD into our grade group chat, and left it at that.

            Every time I saw her, I would wonder why. Why don’t you care? Why wasn’t I good enough? And the most painful; How could you forget me? These were the questions that would eat me up alive, and kept me up for hours.

            Junior year rolled around, and I decided that I was done wondering. Deep down I knew why, but the fact that I might’ve been wrong was enough to drive me to ask her. I imagined exactly how this conversation would go down: I would see her in the halls, stop her, and ask her the simple question of whatever happened to our friendship. She would look at me, and I would see this sadness and nostalgia in her eyes, and she would say she didn’t know but was sorry that it was gone. We would conclude that it was pretty great, and promptly move on with our lives. Except, that’s not how it happened at all.

            I couldn’t find any time to pull her aside at school, and decided that I couldn’t keep letting this bother me. Instead, I texted her a screenshot of me typing can I talk to you to her, and made it appear like I was going to send this to someone else. I knew exactly what I was doing, but didn’t have the courage to just send can I talk to you. She asked what, and when I said now face to face, she pretended that she didn’t see it. Cue her walking off the bus (we both take it to get home), and she responds why. I realize that this is a catastrophe, and just say never mind. She then proceeds to say it must be about something, and I make the ballsy move to ask her about our friendship. The response cracked my heart into a million pieces.

            “You meen when we were freshman? People grow apart and change. I haven’t thought about that in forever. We also have really different friend groups…” is basically the response that I received. And yes, the spelling error was intentional. This message taught me two things: she never cared about me and that I needed to move the fuck on. The not thinking about that line was the first dagger in my heart, I had been torturing myself for almost a year, when she wanted me to know that she had given zero cares. The line about different friend groups taught me that never cared about me. When you really care and love someone, you don’t care who they associate with. You value them as a person and find a way to spend time with them. Now for the people who think that it might have genuinely been hard for her to separate from her group, WE RIDE A 45 MINUTE BUS RIDE TOGETHER TWO TIMES A DAY, where only one of her friends rides. Sorry if you felt like I was yelling, but just wanted to shut that down as quickly as possible.

            So how do I deal and what did I learn from this? I realized that I need to stop letting shitty people get to me. I can’t trust other people to stay in my life, and that I need to be okay when it does happen. Because, I’m ninety-nine percent sure that someone in the future will stop caring about me, just because that’s just the way life is. And that if something is bothering me, to not wait forever to address it. I should own the fact that I’m confrontational, instead of pretending like I’m not until I die of curiosity. I’m not going to lie; it still hurts a ton when I see her around. But, I don’t wonder why anymore and keep myself up thinking about it. I’m hoping that this post will enable me to move on. It probably won’t change how I feel, but maybe it’ll speed the healing processes. I’m done wondering why, and hoping that she’ll “take me back”, all that’s left is for me to disassociate the feelings of sadness and pain with her name.

The Night of My First Party

      Two weeks ago, I made the decision to finally be social. For those of you that don't know me personally, you have no clue how antisocial I really am. For example, in school, I eat my lunch with my friends in the little corner of a teacher hallway. Yes, you heard correctly, a teacher hallway. This decision was a pretty big deal to me, as I usually skip on anything I might have to see people at. But I was excited, it's my third year in high school and I was finally going to an adult party. In a novel, this would be a life altering event that made me realize that people are not all bad, but this is boring reality.

The idea to go to a part started when my friend M asked another if she wanted to go to a party in a group chat. I then promptly invited myself to this party, since I wanted one high school party experience. M has no problem with me coming, and we make plans for dinner and the party the next night. When I wake up the next morning, there are many unanswered texts about how the original party is a no go. Apparently, the party was on a bus and seats were unavailable. Disappointed, but still hopeful, we start scouring for another party. We possible find a "getty" (get together for those who were just as confused by the slang as I was) and everything becomes okay again in my world.          

Fast forward to the evening, and my friends are at my house before I am. That day, my parents had dragged me on a boat and held me captive until 6:00. I am also apparently bad at estimating the time events take, as I get multiple frantic calls of being locked out of my house and only a few minutes to explain how to get in before my phone dies. I finally arrive at my house, shower, and profusely apologize for making my friends wait what feels an eternity but is only 40 minutes. 

Showered and dressed we head to the restaurant, and I order what is overpriced, overcooked, and under flavored fish.

"Shittt guys we don't have a party to go to", says M.

"What do you mean? I thought we had that getty," I ask in disbelief afraid that the waiter will hear me and question why a girl that looks 12 is going to a getty.

"Nope, not happening, plans fell through", replies M. We then sit at the table for another twenty minutes texting everyone we know that could possibly be of assistance. No one is answering. 

Not yet defeated, we head back to the car and continue bothering people. The party maniac kid in our grade, finally comes through and gives us the address of a party relatively close to my house. I then stop texting my non-school party maniac friends, and relax. 

We arrive at the party, and are greeted by a high schooler that looks at least twenty-five, who is also wearing a lanyard. 

"Are you here for the party?" he asks.

"Yes" M gulps, as we know no one there.

"Alright, park right over there" he answers and walks away.

M looks at me and starts questioning if we really should go inside at all. The neighborhood is sketchy, we don't know the guy, and a million other problems come from her mouth. We start walking towards the doorway anyways, but this time I find myself agreeing with her. As we discuss our options, the 18-year-old going on twenty five, points to the door and says come in through there. This is when I grow some lady balls, and say, "Time to be a Gryffindor", and enter the house. I am then promptly greeted by the boy's mother who points to the backyard, which is when I shoot my friend M a questioning glance. I've never been to a party, but I'm a thousand percent sure that this is not the norm. Once we reach the backyard, I'm instantly disappointed. The music is barely audible, there's a table of beer pong set up but not played, and everyone is standing as if they're in a middle school dance. This is when girl T decides to whip out her phone and pretend that she's taking a call.

I start analyzing the crowd and realize two things, I'm not dressed even close to slutty enough, and that I'd rather be anywhere else. M and I talk about how lame the party is when the host starts interrogating us.

"You're cool but how the hell did you find out about the party?"

"Someone named S sent us here."

"I have no clue who the fuck that is. What school do you guys go to?"

"Somewhere in Boca."

"You didn't tell anyone else right? Because this party is already bigger than it's supposed to be and we don't need any Boca kids here"

"Nope, we're not from there and don't talk to any of them anyways."

After this, he swiftly turns away which leaves us back to discussing whether we should stay or not.  Unanimously we decide to leave. 

Once back in the car, we realize that there's not much to do, as the only other party we know about starts at 12, which is the same time as our curfew. Out of ideas, we head to a shady drive through that gives alcohol to underage minors. I am not an adventurous person, never got drunk, never got high, so we split the cost of a Smirzoff Green Apple pack of beer when we get to the drive through window. This is the drink that the girl who hates the taste of alcohol orders, just to look like she is fitting in. 

            The Smirzoff is the end of our night, and results in me being passed out in my bed at 11:00. The next morning, I receive the 11:00 pm text from T saying that someone in our school is throwing a getty, and I just sigh to myself.

    

                   

All The Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know About Me

     This will be my first non-welcome post, which makes me nervous because there is SO much to talk about and no one or everyone is listening. Instead of choosing a random topic that'll establish my blog basis, a 20 fact about me list could substitute.

The very sexist book I'm currently reading

1. I'm an Aries, which means I like to argue and have things done my way. My "it's my way or the highway" attitude is probably why I don't have a boyfriend. Just kidding, boys aren't ready for this fabulous piece of work yet. 
2. I'm a junior in high school, and it kind of sucks so far. I wasn't expecting musical numbers (which would actually be horrible because I sound like a dying horse when I sing), but an awesome group of friends was promised and not delivered.
3. I'm really into books, like if you lock me into a room and leave me with a stack of books, I will devour them.
4. I have insane curly hair, hair that can't be tamed. Before anyone starts listing crazy methods, I've already tried them all. Fluffy and frizzy hair is just something I'm going to have to deal with.
5. I was born in New York and moved when I was about six.
6. I have two adorable dogs who really need to remember how to hold in their bladder. One of them once peed on my bed when I was away. It was a great welcome back present.
7. I go through stages of my life where I just want to focus on one shallow area of myself to fix. Currently, it's skin and I know that playing around always makes everything worse.
8. My feet get cold really easily, it's the reason why I always wear socks. 
9.  I have my own room- and it's painted mint green.
10. My favorite color happens to be purple, but not a dark shade.
11. I don't have a favorite singer, but I do have singers that I like and dislike. I love P!nk (or Pink), Avril Lavigne, Marina and the Diamonds,and nineties punk rock/ pop music. According to Amazon Music, I have a preference for dark pop.
12. I really dislike raps and the only song that sort of rap that I know is Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice, I know it's really old. 
13. Some of the TV shows that I watch are Jane the Virgin, Glee, Switched at Birth, New Girl, Project Runway, Criminal Minds (I'm still behind so it's only on Netflix), and Melissa and Joey.
14. I enjoy old television, and when I say enjoy I mean binge watch them anywhere from a week to a month. I actually caught up with Grey's Anatomy over two months in the summer; we're talking about 10 seasons worth of 45 minute episodes.
15. Some of the shows that are oldies but favorites are The Nanny, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, George Lopez, Malcolm in the Middle, Everybody Hates Chris, and most of Roseanne.
16. Work is going to slowly kill me because there's so much of it and not enough time in the day to do it.
17. I'm sassy, and I enjoy every moment of it. Proof is my Instagram bio, which states,"Bios are for people who don't know me, and if you don't know me, you shouldn't be here". Which also happens to be the opposite of what I'm doing right here. You might want to add bipolar to the list.
18. I can act like a two year old sometimes, and then become an expert licensed psychologist moments later. 
19. I have commitment issues, for example this blog post is two years old and I'm now only uploading.
20. I'm excited for this blog, it's kind of my trial blog. Hopefully this is a real success, because I'd like to buy a domain eventually. For now I'm too cheap, and as listed above: I have commitment issues. 

So, I hope that you enjoyed reading and feel like you know me a little better now.